INFP Anger & How To Avoid It
INFPs are largely considered to be mild-mannered, calm, and considerate, all making them seem pretty understanding and difficult to anger. But what happens when they do show their frustrations? When their empathy gives way to anger and all their quiet observations come to the surface?
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What gets the INFP personality type angry, how they show their anger, and what you can do to help them (or yourself) calm down!
1. Malicious Personal Attacks
INFPs don’t really care if people talk behind their backs, or even to their face for that matter. You can tell them they’re doing something wrong and they actually won’t mind. So long as there isn’t deliberate malicious intent behind it, there’s no problem. In fact, they’ll likely take action on whatever the mistake was, assuming it’s legitimate, so that it doesn’t happen again.
However, when an INFP senses the speaker’s intent isn’t to correct or inform them- but intentionally hurt -they tend to grow furious more easily than other personality types. This is likely due to their introverted nature, which makes them more compassionate when someone is trying to help, but being really abrasive about it.
Compared to someone who’d just let a personal insult roll off their skin, INFPs take it far more seriously since it shows the attacker was knowingly going after their feelings.
2. Any Kind of Bullying
Another huge trigger point for introverts due to their heightened sense of empathy is either being bullied themselves or seeing others get harassed. INFPs can’t stand someone knowingly disregarding and taking pleasure in hurting other people’s feelings, so even if it’s not happening to them, it still sets off fireworks in their mind.
INFPs like caring for others- both comforting and protecting them -so seeing someone enjoying causing another person pain is a surefire way to get on their black list.
3. Not Apologizing When You’ve Done Something Wrong
If there’s one thing that gets under an INFP’s skin and makes them resentful, it’s someone who won’t admit when they’re wrong, and won’t apologize for being wrong. This ties into how they don’t mind having their faults pointed out.
In fact, once they’re called out on something, INFPs will usually do their best to fix it. So when someone else’s mistake or character defect is right in front of them and they won’t acknowledge it- or they’re simply too proud to admit it, INFPs get pretty furious.
After all, it shows that you don’t care how you’re affecting them, or that something you did negatively impacted others - the very opposite of empathy. So those are the most likely ways INFPs become upset. As you can see, it’s mostly tied to knowingly attacking someone’s feelings or disregarding personal faults. But how do they express that anger once they’re upset?
Well, the INFP tends to show their anger in 3 major ways:
1. The “Cold Shoulder”
Chances are you’ve been here before; your questions only get shrugs or one-word answers. It’s like they’re surrounded by a chill wind everywhere they go. At this point they’re basically waiting for you to realize you’ve done something wrong and apologize or otherwise make it right.
Now you can wait for them to analyze things themselves and potentially let it go (if they realize it was an accident) but this can be difficult once they’re already upset. If you do decide to talk to them about it a key thing to keep in mind here is to not try and explain your reasons for the affront.
This isn’t the time to share where you were coming from, it’s when you show that you care that it happened at all. If you don’t nip the problem in the bud at this stage, it evolves to either two or three.
2. Passive Aggressive Scheming
This is what happens when an INFP sits with their anger for too long - especially if someone’s treated them poorly and they confronted them about it but nothing was resolved. They plan out poetic justice in their minds, punishments that would fit the perceived crime. You’ll also find them flashing murderous glares at you that will leave you glad they’re not an Egyptian pharaoh who can have you entombed alive on a whim.
Fortunately, you can still dissolve their wrath at this point by simply apologizing. Often it’s refusing to apologize that leads to this stage in the first place. If you continue skirting the issue however, or if your slight was great enough, they can go straight to stage 3.
3. Hulking Out
This is the “hell hath no fury” stage. Where every quiet observation they’ve ever made- every fault, personal soft spot, and so on -comes to the surface like a spear to throw. They don’t need to get physically violent; their words alone can be excruciating. They know exactly what’s going to hurt, and they no longer care about doing so.
At this point, even apologizing may not be enough. If you’ve gotten to this point- and to be fair, many who get here probably have it coming -the only thing to do may be to wait out the storm. If you don’t do or say anything to upset them further at this point, then you can likely wait until the storm passes and they feel guilty for the hell they unleashed on you.
Okay, so this is how INFPs get and show they’re upset, but how do you make things better once you’re in the danger zone?
There are a few approaches to simmering the fire:
1. Space and Time
This is best if you’re the INFP dealing with frustration towards someone else.
Giving yourself that time to analyze and understand why you’re upset will help you realize that you may have simply misinterpreted the person’s intent- that they didn’t really mean to hurt your feelings, or that they couldn’t have known something would upset you in the first place.
If you’re on the outside, this could be a good idea, especially if your gut reaction is to start an argument or otherwise justify why you did what you did.
They won’t care at this point, because it will only sound to them like you’re explaining why their pain is invalid and why you did nothing wrong.
Of course, if it’s a deep-seated slight, you’re better off not pushing your luck and moving onto the other option.
2. Kindly and Respectfully Address the Issue
Note that simply “hashing it out” is not enough. When an INFP is upset, the most important thing you can do is clearly demonstrate that you feel bad for whatever they’re experiencing right now. Again, don’t excuse what you did, and if you don’t know what upset them in the first place, show that you’re interested in getting to the heart of things for their sake, not just your own.
Your tone in particular is really important here, because if you’re not careful it could come across as trying to convince them they’re being unreasonable. Be direct, but also considerate. INFPs are usually very understanding and considerate, so as long as you don’t seem like you’re intentionally hurting their feelings or refusing to admit when you’re wrong, it’s generally pretty easy to avoid upsetting them.
But if something comes across the wrong way, or if you’re an INFP and felt attacked by someone you care about, understanding these thought processes is crucial in working through it. Make sure that you own up to any mistakes before sharing why they happened. And on the INFP side, give yourself time to analyze how you feel, and why their behavior came across as an attack.
Maybe they aren’t as perceptive as you in how they come across. Either way, one thing’s for sure; you don’t want to wind up on an INFP’s bad side.